Life has a way of pulling you down, if you let it.
I'm falling back on my resiliency. Even when I don't believe I possess it. It is there.
The panic and fear have worn off. I don't know if faith has dulled it or if the peace just still remains and has overtaken it. I am trusting that I am being led and not being deceived, pushed when I need it and will not be struck down, prompted and not blinded, and consoled and not falsely given hope.
God is out for my good. And He is good.
My God will provide for me, whether it's in this situation or by providing something else. I am covered by His feathers and find refuge under His wings.
I can rest in the shelter of His love.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
What to Say?
I'm struggling.
And if I could leave it at that, I would.
But everyone knows I'm in over my head. My mom has been gone for five months. And I have barely moved. And I don't know why this time it's so hard. I shouldn't have been around people tonight, I guess. But I don't want to be isolated either.
And it seems like NO ONE KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON *NOW* EVEN IF THEY DID THEN, OR THAT THEY REALLY CARE TO KNOW. They just show up and expect to pick up where we left off.
I think I figured out that it's not that I'm not feeling cared for. I don't feel looked after. I need consistency. So that when these milestones come up, they don't pull me completely down.
I never knew that everything was falling through. Until tonight.
I never knew that everyone I knew was waiting on a cue to turn and run when all I needed was ...
Not the truth. But just a friend.
Because seeing people who have all but completely abandoned me in what could be my most needed hour yet stings. Everyone just kind of left tonight and I needed them. I wanted them.
But then again, they all couldn't have planned it any better. The support beams are few and far between.
It seems like I have been alone for forever and everyone shows up again. And seeing the one guy ... or two if you really think about it ... who have rejected me just reinforced all of the lies. It's effortless when the conditions are right.
I'd rather run the other way then stay and see the smoke and who's still standing when it clears.
Because even those I expect to be around, aren't. Even my family is distracted at times and not always present.
But I still hate that you didn't come to the funeral like you promised you would. I probably still need to forgive you for that, this is true. But you don't seem to want to really know how I am now because of my affection toward you.
I am repulsive.
And I hate it when you come around. Because it's unbearable to watch you reject me again and again and again. And you keep me at arm's distance. You pull away when I need you the most. And you always seem to leave when I need you the most. But you're supposed to be my friend.
And I don't want to get over you. A million times I've tried already. I always think I'm better, until you come around again.
But it's not just you that has wounded me. It's everyone. Those who never said anything or did anything. It hurts now more than ever. Because they're STILL not around either. Even though they could have tried to make up for it. And those who were around at first have slowly pulled away too.
I am utterly alone.
And if I could leave it at that, I would.
But everyone knows I'm in over my head. My mom has been gone for five months. And I have barely moved. And I don't know why this time it's so hard. I shouldn't have been around people tonight, I guess. But I don't want to be isolated either.
And it seems like NO ONE KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON *NOW* EVEN IF THEY DID THEN, OR THAT THEY REALLY CARE TO KNOW. They just show up and expect to pick up where we left off.
I think I figured out that it's not that I'm not feeling cared for. I don't feel looked after. I need consistency. So that when these milestones come up, they don't pull me completely down.
I never knew that everything was falling through. Until tonight.
I never knew that everyone I knew was waiting on a cue to turn and run when all I needed was ...
Not the truth. But just a friend.
Because seeing people who have all but completely abandoned me in what could be my most needed hour yet stings. Everyone just kind of left tonight and I needed them. I wanted them.
But then again, they all couldn't have planned it any better. The support beams are few and far between.
It seems like I have been alone for forever and everyone shows up again. And seeing the one guy ... or two if you really think about it ... who have rejected me just reinforced all of the lies. It's effortless when the conditions are right.
I'd rather run the other way then stay and see the smoke and who's still standing when it clears.
Because even those I expect to be around, aren't. Even my family is distracted at times and not always present.
But I still hate that you didn't come to the funeral like you promised you would. I probably still need to forgive you for that, this is true. But you don't seem to want to really know how I am now because of my affection toward you.
I am repulsive.
And I hate it when you come around. Because it's unbearable to watch you reject me again and again and again. And you keep me at arm's distance. You pull away when I need you the most. And you always seem to leave when I need you the most. But you're supposed to be my friend.
And I don't want to get over you. A million times I've tried already. I always think I'm better, until you come around again.
But it's not just you that has wounded me. It's everyone. Those who never said anything or did anything. It hurts now more than ever. Because they're STILL not around either. Even though they could have tried to make up for it. And those who were around at first have slowly pulled away too.
I am utterly alone.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Crooked Little Smile on Her Face
Tells a tale of grace that's all her own.
Sometimes I do feel like a fragile leaf in autumn. Just falling to the ground, without a sound.
When thoughts and words fail me, lyrics revive me.
I have kind of given up on the blogging world. I am finding solace between the covers of my own journal, often accompanied by a nice warm beverage in a coffee house setting with my iPod blaring. It's not that I don't want to share. It's just that each medium has a different tone of voice for me. And I need to hear my voice less and God's voice more. So sometimes I revert back to my old school ways, which has been very refreshing. As with everything lately, I want to be more consistent and stay at it. We shall see.
What does it look like to be anxious about nothing, but instead pray detailed prayers about all the crap that weighs you down? I really am feeling the weight of everything. And I don't like it one bit.
And I'm tired of trying to figure it all out on my own. I keep feeling like maybe I have what I want figured out. But that's just an illusion. Delusion. Confusion. I don't know how to invite my Daddy to help me figure it out either, even though I know He holds all the answers I could ever want. Sure, I invite Him. But I don't know how to listen to what He's telling me. I have a feeling He's telling me, but I can't hear Him.
Protect me, please.
Sometimes I do feel like a fragile leaf in autumn. Just falling to the ground, without a sound.
When thoughts and words fail me, lyrics revive me.
I have kind of given up on the blogging world. I am finding solace between the covers of my own journal, often accompanied by a nice warm beverage in a coffee house setting with my iPod blaring. It's not that I don't want to share. It's just that each medium has a different tone of voice for me. And I need to hear my voice less and God's voice more. So sometimes I revert back to my old school ways, which has been very refreshing. As with everything lately, I want to be more consistent and stay at it. We shall see.
What does it look like to be anxious about nothing, but instead pray detailed prayers about all the crap that weighs you down? I really am feeling the weight of everything. And I don't like it one bit.
And I'm tired of trying to figure it all out on my own. I keep feeling like maybe I have what I want figured out. But that's just an illusion. Delusion. Confusion. I don't know how to invite my Daddy to help me figure it out either, even though I know He holds all the answers I could ever want. Sure, I invite Him. But I don't know how to listen to what He's telling me. I have a feeling He's telling me, but I can't hear Him.
Protect me, please.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
From where we last left off ...
I still can't believe just 19 short days later, she was gone.
Since then the month-marker passed by, I celebrated my first birthday without her and I spent the first of hopefully many (at least Saturday) nights at my house.
I can definitely see God moving in the midst, turning the lemons in my life to lemonade, despite however cliche that may sound or how dulled it has become because of the many times you've heard it said. It's still true.
I give praise and thanks to God my Father and my Lord Jesus Christ that she saw me through school. Not just through my due-to-special-circumstance pomp and circumstance, but the extra little bit of the whole nine yards ... which took all of five-and-a-half years to reach. But the goal of two degrees was attained. She told me that was the thing she was hoping to get to. And after that, she was OK to let down. And boy, did it go fast. Too fast. But looking back, I can tell that she meant it.
And then within a matter of weeks, I had graduated from one job and was thrown into another, which couldn't have been more perfect, to be perfectly honest.
I have always wanted to work for a magazine, and now I am living that dream ... however temporary it may be on the management side. At this point it doesn't matter.
And although I feel extremely overwhelmed and unqualified, I know that I will make it.
I always do.
Since then the month-marker passed by, I celebrated my first birthday without her and I spent the first of hopefully many (at least Saturday) nights at my house.
I can definitely see God moving in the midst, turning the lemons in my life to lemonade, despite however cliche that may sound or how dulled it has become because of the many times you've heard it said. It's still true.
I give praise and thanks to God my Father and my Lord Jesus Christ that she saw me through school. Not just through my due-to-special-circumstance pomp and circumstance, but the extra little bit of the whole nine yards ... which took all of five-and-a-half years to reach. But the goal of two degrees was attained. She told me that was the thing she was hoping to get to. And after that, she was OK to let down. And boy, did it go fast. Too fast. But looking back, I can tell that she meant it.
And then within a matter of weeks, I had graduated from one job and was thrown into another, which couldn't have been more perfect, to be perfectly honest.
I have always wanted to work for a magazine, and now I am living that dream ... however temporary it may be on the management side. At this point it doesn't matter.
And although I feel extremely overwhelmed and unqualified, I know that I will make it.
I always do.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Reflections on the Old Year :P
It doesn't seem possible that it's already the new year again. I'm still trying to figure out how Thanksgiving and Christmas have already happened. I feel like I'm stuck somewhere back in September/October.
I wonder who came up with the idea of a "New Year." Why couldn't it have just been called Next Year? Is there really a sense of newness to it? Or is that all a false cover just because the calendar shows something different?
We don't always hold on to the idea of a new day like we do the new year. Have you ever noticed that? The new year is always such a huge deal to so many people.
And everyone expects something to change, for everything to be better somehow.
I keep reading on facebook how everyone is so ready for the new year. As if they are able to leave the old year behind. But doesn't the new year just build on the old? You can't delete it. It's not like you're upgrading to the newer model of years and trading in the old one only to leave it in a dealership parking lot somewhere and never look back on it. And yet somehow we always find ourselves wanting a fresh start: A new year to be more organized, to lose weight, to get out of debt, to stop struggling with that sin, whatever it might be. But we miss that we can do that at any point during the year. There's just something about new year's.
Isn't it weird how we end up having all of these expectations and then feel horrible when they quickly become unmet expectations though? And it doesn't seem to matter how big or small we shoot for.
I, on the other hand, am usually somewhat nervous about the new year if I can see a lot of changes on the horizon. This year is one of those for me. Yet another one of my friends is moving away. Again. And I'm not sure how I will cope with that because they have always been such a rock for me and they bless my life beyond what I deserve. Another handful of friends will get married. My mom is getting sicker. And sometimes I wonder where that will leave me. It's hard not to feel left behind. And yet I know this is where I need to be and that I will make it as long as I don't rely on my own strength to get me through.
I do get jealous though. I wish I could pack up and leave sometimes, to follow God's voice to an important ministry or on a really sweet mission. And sometimes I yearn to follow along with someone to do what they are doing and walk beside them in love and encouragement so long as we both shall live. But here I am, and here I will stay. For now.
I got the most encouraging card in the mail today of all days. It was about how proud of me they were of what I had done in college and in the beautiful journey of my life. They wrote that they were reminded of a song that Rich Mullins sang. Part of the lyrics go: "Let mercy lead, let love be the strength in your legs, and with every footprint that you leave, there'll be a drop of grace." I have never heard that song actually and I have listened to a lot of Rich Mullins. They thought those words describe the kind of Daughter of the King I am and how I so faithfully and beautifully live out my journey. So maybe I should find it sometime.
They also said they knew that whoever it is that gets the privilege of working with me everyday will be encouraged and blessed beyond belief. And they also knew that whoever the man is who will ask me to share life with him will be loved and treasured beyond all imagination, for we will continue to have hope and faith that provision comes from God.
May all of those things ring true for me in the years to come. And may I believe, fully relying and trusting in God's provision. Amen.
I wonder who came up with the idea of a "New Year." Why couldn't it have just been called Next Year? Is there really a sense of newness to it? Or is that all a false cover just because the calendar shows something different?
We don't always hold on to the idea of a new day like we do the new year. Have you ever noticed that? The new year is always such a huge deal to so many people.
And everyone expects something to change, for everything to be better somehow.
I keep reading on facebook how everyone is so ready for the new year. As if they are able to leave the old year behind. But doesn't the new year just build on the old? You can't delete it. It's not like you're upgrading to the newer model of years and trading in the old one only to leave it in a dealership parking lot somewhere and never look back on it. And yet somehow we always find ourselves wanting a fresh start: A new year to be more organized, to lose weight, to get out of debt, to stop struggling with that sin, whatever it might be. But we miss that we can do that at any point during the year. There's just something about new year's.
Isn't it weird how we end up having all of these expectations and then feel horrible when they quickly become unmet expectations though? And it doesn't seem to matter how big or small we shoot for.
I, on the other hand, am usually somewhat nervous about the new year if I can see a lot of changes on the horizon. This year is one of those for me. Yet another one of my friends is moving away. Again. And I'm not sure how I will cope with that because they have always been such a rock for me and they bless my life beyond what I deserve. Another handful of friends will get married. My mom is getting sicker. And sometimes I wonder where that will leave me. It's hard not to feel left behind. And yet I know this is where I need to be and that I will make it as long as I don't rely on my own strength to get me through.
I do get jealous though. I wish I could pack up and leave sometimes, to follow God's voice to an important ministry or on a really sweet mission. And sometimes I yearn to follow along with someone to do what they are doing and walk beside them in love and encouragement so long as we both shall live. But here I am, and here I will stay. For now.
I got the most encouraging card in the mail today of all days. It was about how proud of me they were of what I had done in college and in the beautiful journey of my life. They wrote that they were reminded of a song that Rich Mullins sang. Part of the lyrics go: "Let mercy lead, let love be the strength in your legs, and with every footprint that you leave, there'll be a drop of grace." I have never heard that song actually and I have listened to a lot of Rich Mullins. They thought those words describe the kind of Daughter of the King I am and how I so faithfully and beautifully live out my journey. So maybe I should find it sometime.
They also said they knew that whoever it is that gets the privilege of working with me everyday will be encouraged and blessed beyond belief. And they also knew that whoever the man is who will ask me to share life with him will be loved and treasured beyond all imagination, for we will continue to have hope and faith that provision comes from God.
May all of those things ring true for me in the years to come. And may I believe, fully relying and trusting in God's provision. Amen.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Something to Remember
"Live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature," (Gal. 5.16).
More to come? I hope.
More to come? I hope.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Confusion
I am steadily realizing that this year has been one roller-coaster ride after another. It's pretty ridiculous when I look back on it as a whole. I have learned so, so, so much. And there have been lots and lots and lots of changes.
As of turning in my last final project yesterday (yes, on the Saturday of finals week) I think I am officially finished with college.
My mom still isn't doing very well.
And I don't plan on EVER getting married at this point. And you think I'm joking ...
I have learned to fear relationships and being pursued. I'm disgusted that lies have crept in where they don't belong so that it prevents good things from happening. Like meeting an amazing guy who is terrified of not being intimately compatible with his spouse (because of two of his recently-married friends that had problems) to the point where he has to "make sure" by having sex before marriage. He won't budge and won't be convinced God will provide in that area for him. And then there's always the guy who secretly doesn't trust you and yet still claims to love you enough to want to get serious. And then there's all of the things that spoil it, from theology to stubbornness. Or the guy who tears your character down so fast that you have hardly met him before he has tried to lovingly call you out on all the things that are horridly wrong with you, not only for him, but for all guys in general. And then there's the sinking feeling of finding an amazing man, but not feeling attracted to him and you can't figure out why. Is it just because your vision of yourself and relationships has been warped so much to the point that you can't see a good thing in front of you? Or is it because you can't stop thinking it might be someone else each and every time?
But most of all I have learned that it's best to not ever let yourself love your good friends more than just brothers. Even if it's just for a short while. It will inevitably result in a lot of pain and hurt. I wish I could take it all back. I just always thought I knew what I wanted. But it isn't meant to be.
Someday my journey might align with someone else's. I am just not convinced that will be anytime soon. And I'm sorry for wanting to hold onto you so tightly so as not to lose you that I have actually pushed you away. And I feel ashamed that all of these feelings could have been brought on just by the simple idea of not wanting to lose you and this being the only way I knew how not to.
And I'm so sorry I'm not like the rest when it comes to what you're looking for. I just thought you might chase after me and fight for me even when I pushed you away, just like you did with her. But I was dead wrong. Because you still haven't seen it. And at this point you probably never will.
As of turning in my last final project yesterday (yes, on the Saturday of finals week) I think I am officially finished with college.
My mom still isn't doing very well.
And I don't plan on EVER getting married at this point. And you think I'm joking ...
I have learned to fear relationships and being pursued. I'm disgusted that lies have crept in where they don't belong so that it prevents good things from happening. Like meeting an amazing guy who is terrified of not being intimately compatible with his spouse (because of two of his recently-married friends that had problems) to the point where he has to "make sure" by having sex before marriage. He won't budge and won't be convinced God will provide in that area for him. And then there's always the guy who secretly doesn't trust you and yet still claims to love you enough to want to get serious. And then there's all of the things that spoil it, from theology to stubbornness. Or the guy who tears your character down so fast that you have hardly met him before he has tried to lovingly call you out on all the things that are horridly wrong with you, not only for him, but for all guys in general. And then there's the sinking feeling of finding an amazing man, but not feeling attracted to him and you can't figure out why. Is it just because your vision of yourself and relationships has been warped so much to the point that you can't see a good thing in front of you? Or is it because you can't stop thinking it might be someone else each and every time?
But most of all I have learned that it's best to not ever let yourself love your good friends more than just brothers. Even if it's just for a short while. It will inevitably result in a lot of pain and hurt. I wish I could take it all back. I just always thought I knew what I wanted. But it isn't meant to be.
Someday my journey might align with someone else's. I am just not convinced that will be anytime soon. And I'm sorry for wanting to hold onto you so tightly so as not to lose you that I have actually pushed you away. And I feel ashamed that all of these feelings could have been brought on just by the simple idea of not wanting to lose you and this being the only way I knew how not to.
And I'm so sorry I'm not like the rest when it comes to what you're looking for. I just thought you might chase after me and fight for me even when I pushed you away, just like you did with her. But I was dead wrong. Because you still haven't seen it. And at this point you probably never will.
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