What Hurts the Most

I feel as though any guy who has ever loved me in the littlest I pushed away or let slip through my fingers. In the best way possible of course. Either I wasn't ready, wasn't attracted to them like that or it's just what was best, I must be confident of that. It's pure coincedence that someone who pursued me for a while informed me of his new serious relationship today. The feelings I'm about to share aren't based on that. They have been building like a storm builds.

Somehow I was led to this song by the Rascal Flatts called "Here." I'm hooked. Listening to it is the first thing I want to when I wake up in the morning, the last thing I want to do before I go to sleep and as much as possible inbetween.

I've thought a lot about how I'm thankful for days like this that kind of sting a little. Just because you have to grieve what could have been. And my heart has been breaking lately. For reasons well beyond this one incident today. And I've had my heart broken a lot. Sometimes just because of unmet romantic expectations I have. But I wouldn't change any of it to be honest. It has been what has shaped me and helped me to know what it is that I want. And I have worked so hard on myself just for me, not to mention my future husband. And that has caused a lot of tears and pain as well.

I can take a love song and turn it around to God. But I want just for once that this could be for my heart, for my beloved, for my future. I mean with all of my heart some of the ideas this song portrays (hence the presence of exclaimation points). I guess what I have found hurts the most is wanting what you can't have, at least when you can't have it. And I feel so foolish and prideful for thinking I know what's best not only for me, but for my future husband as well. But I wouldn't change what I've learned, or what I'm feeling today. I trust that the wait will be worth if for both of us.

Here
There's a place I've been looking for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times, even settled down
And I'd hang around just long enough
To find my way back out
I know now the place that I was trying to reach
Was you, right here in front of me

And I wouldn't change a thing!
I'd walk right back through the rain!
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'!
And I'd relive all the years!
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here!

It's amazing what I let my heart go through!
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you!
And it passed me by
God knows how many times!
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find!
I know now, there's a million roads I had to take
To get me in your arms that way!

And I wouldn't change a thing!
I'd walk right back through the rain!
Back to every broken heart!
On the day that it was breaking!
And I'd relive all the years!
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here!

In a love I never thought I'd get to get to - here
And if that's the road
God made me take to be with you

And I wouldn't change a thing!
I'd walk right back through the rain!
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'!
And I'd relive all the years!
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here!

And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for all the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
Oh, baby-Ooo
Oh, got me here