james three eighteen

Oh How He Loves Us

2009-08-31T10:04:00.003-05:00

Life has a way of pulling you down, if you let it.

I'm falling back on my resiliency. Even when I don't believe I possess it. It is there.

The panic and fear have worn off. I don't know if faith has dulled it or if the peace just still remains and has overtaken it. I am trusting that I am being led and not being deceived, pushed when I need it and will not be struck down, prompted and not blinded, and consoled and not falsely given hope.

God is out for my good. And He is good.

My God will provide for me, whether it's in this situation or by providing something else. I am covered by His feathers and find refuge under His wings.

I can rest in the shelter of His love.

What to Say?

2009-06-19T22:05:00.002-05:00

I'm struggling.

And if I could leave it at that, I would.

But everyone knows I'm in over my head. My mom has been gone for five months. And I have barely moved. And I don't know why this time it's so hard. I shouldn't have been around people tonight, I guess. But I don't want to be isolated either.

And it seems like NO ONE KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON *NOW* EVEN IF THEY DID THEN, OR THAT THEY REALLY CARE TO KNOW. They just show up and expect to pick up where we left off.

I think I figured out that it's not that I'm not feeling cared for. I don't feel looked after. I need consistency. So that when these milestones come up, they don't pull me completely down.

I never knew that everything was falling through. Until tonight.

I never knew that everyone I knew was waiting on a cue to turn and run when all I needed was ...

Not the truth. But just a friend.

Because seeing people who have all but completely abandoned me in what could be my most needed hour yet stings. Everyone just kind of left tonight and I needed them. I wanted them.

But then again, they all couldn't have planned it any better. The support beams are few and far between.

It seems like I have been alone for forever and everyone shows up again. And seeing the one guy ... or two if you really think about it ... who have rejected me just reinforced all of the lies. It's effortless when the conditions are right.

I'd rather run the other way then stay and see the smoke and who's still standing when it clears.

Because even those I expect to be around, aren't. Even my family is distracted at times and not always present.

But I still hate that you didn't come to the funeral like you promised you would. I probably still need to forgive you for that, this is true. But you don't seem to want to really know how I am now because of my affection toward you.

I am repulsive.

And I hate it when you come around. Because it's unbearable to watch you reject me again and again and again. And you keep me at arm's distance. You pull away when I need you the most. And you always seem to leave when I need you the most. But you're supposed to be my friend.

And I don't want to get over you. A million times I've tried already. I always think I'm better, until you come around again.

But it's not just you that has wounded me. It's everyone. Those who never said anything or did anything. It hurts now more than ever. Because they're STILL not around either. Even though they could have tried to make up for it. And those who were around at first have slowly pulled away too.

I am utterly alone.

Crooked Little Smile on Her Face

2009-05-21T12:47:00.002-05:00

Tells a tale of grace that's all her own.

Sometimes I do feel like a fragile leaf in autumn. Just falling to the ground, without a sound.

When thoughts and words fail me, lyrics revive me.

I have kind of given up on the blogging world. I am finding solace between the covers of my own journal, often accompanied by a nice warm beverage in a coffee house setting with my iPod blaring. It's not that I don't want to share. It's just that each medium has a different tone of voice for me. And I need to hear my voice less and God's voice more. So sometimes I revert back to my old school ways, which has been very refreshing. As with everything lately, I want to be more consistent and stay at it. We shall see.

What does it look like to be anxious about nothing, but instead pray detailed prayers about all the crap that weighs you down? I really am feeling the weight of everything. And I don't like it one bit.

And I'm tired of trying to figure it all out on my own. I keep feeling like maybe I have what I want figured out. But that's just an illusion. Delusion. Confusion. I don't know how to invite my Daddy to help me figure it out either, even though I know He holds all the answers I could ever want. Sure, I invite Him. But I don't know how to listen to what He's telling me. I have a feeling He's telling me, but I can't hear Him.

Protect me, please.

From where we last left off ...

2009-03-15T21:56:00.003-05:00

I still can't believe just 19 short days later, she was gone.

Since then the month-marker passed by, I celebrated my first birthday without her and I spent the first of hopefully many (at least Saturday) nights at my house.

I can definitely see God moving in the midst, turning the lemons in my life to lemonade, despite however cliche that may sound or how dulled it has become because of the many times you've heard it said. It's still true.

I give praise and thanks to God my Father and my Lord Jesus Christ that she saw me through school. Not just through my due-to-special-circumstance pomp and circumstance, but the extra little bit of the whole nine yards ... which took all of five-and-a-half years to reach. But the goal of two degrees was attained. She told me that was the thing she was hoping to get to. And after that, she was OK to let down. And boy, did it go fast. Too fast. But looking back, I can tell that she meant it.

And then within a matter of weeks, I had graduated from one job and was thrown into another, which couldn't have been more perfect, to be perfectly honest.

I have always wanted to work for a magazine, and now I am living that dream ... however temporary it may be on the management side. At this point it doesn't matter.

And although I feel extremely overwhelmed and unqualified, I know that I will make it.

I always do.

Reflections on the Old Year :P

2008-12-31T18:53:00.002-06:00

It doesn't seem possible that it's already the new year again. I'm still trying to figure out how Thanksgiving and Christmas have already happened. I feel like I'm stuck somewhere back in September/October.

I wonder who came up with the idea of a "New Year." Why couldn't it have just been called Next Year? Is there really a sense of newness to it? Or is that all a false cover just because the calendar shows something different?

We don't always hold on to the idea of a new day like we do the new year. Have you ever noticed that? The new year is always such a huge deal to so many people.

And everyone expects something to change, for everything to be better somehow.

I keep reading on facebook how everyone is so ready for the new year. As if they are able to leave the old year behind. But doesn't the new year just build on the old? You can't delete it. It's not like you're upgrading to the newer model of years and trading in the old one only to leave it in a dealership parking lot somewhere and never look back on it. And yet somehow we always find ourselves wanting a fresh start: A new year to be more organized, to lose weight, to get out of debt, to stop struggling with that sin, whatever it might be. But we miss that we can do that at any point during the year. There's just something about new year's.

Isn't it weird how we end up having all of these expectations and then feel horrible when they quickly become unmet expectations though? And it doesn't seem to matter how big or small we shoot for.

I, on the other hand, am usually somewhat nervous about the new year if I can see a lot of changes on the horizon. This year is one of those for me. Yet another one of my friends is moving away. Again. And I'm not sure how I will cope with that because they have always been such a rock for me and they bless my life beyond what I deserve. Another handful of friends will get married. My mom is getting sicker. And sometimes I wonder where that will leave me. It's hard not to feel left behind. And yet I know this is where I need to be and that I will make it as long as I don't rely on my own strength to get me through.

I do get jealous though. I wish I could pack up and leave sometimes, to follow God's voice to an important ministry or on a really sweet mission. And sometimes I yearn to follow along with someone to do what they are doing and walk beside them in love and encouragement so long as we both shall live. But here I am, and here I will stay. For now.

I got the most encouraging card in the mail today of all days. It was about how proud of me they were of what I had done in college and in the beautiful journey of my life. They wrote that they were reminded of a song that Rich Mullins sang. Part of the lyrics go: "Let mercy lead, let love be the strength in your legs, and with every footprint that you leave, there'll be a drop of grace." I have never heard that song actually and I have listened to a lot of Rich Mullins. They thought those words describe the kind of Daughter of the King I am and how I so faithfully and beautifully live out my journey. So maybe I should find it sometime.

They also said they knew that whoever it is that gets the privilege of working with me everyday will be encouraged and blessed beyond belief. And they also knew that whoever the man is who will ask me to share life with him will be loved and treasured beyond all imagination, for we will continue to have hope and faith that provision comes from God.

May all of those things ring true for me in the years to come. And may I believe, fully relying and trusting in God's provision. Amen.

Something to Remember

2008-12-20T11:32:00.000-06:00

"Live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature," (Gal. 5.16).

More to come? I hope.

Confusion

2008-12-14T20:34:00.002-06:00

I am steadily realizing that this year has been one roller-coaster ride after another. It's pretty ridiculous when I look back on it as a whole. I have learned so, so, so much. And there have been lots and lots and lots of changes.

As of turning in my last final project yesterday (yes, on the Saturday of finals week) I think I am officially finished with college.

My mom still isn't doing very well.

And I don't plan on EVER getting married at this point. And you think I'm joking ...

I have learned to fear relationships and being pursued. I'm disgusted that lies have crept in where they don't belong so that it prevents good things from happening. Like meeting an amazing guy who is terrified of not being intimately compatible with his spouse (because of two of his recently-married friends that had problems) to the point where he has to "make sure" by having sex before marriage. He won't budge and won't be convinced God will provide in that area for him. And then there's always the guy who secretly doesn't trust you and yet still claims to love you enough to want to get serious. And then there's all of the things that spoil it, from theology to stubbornness. Or the guy who tears your character down so fast that you have hardly met him before he has tried to lovingly call you out on all the things that are horridly wrong with you, not only for him, but for all guys in general. And then there's the sinking feeling of finding an amazing man, but not feeling attracted to him and you can't figure out why. Is it just because your vision of yourself and relationships has been warped so much to the point that you can't see a good thing in front of you? Or is it because you can't stop thinking it might be someone else each and every time?

But most of all I have learned that it's best to not ever let yourself love your good friends more than just brothers. Even if it's just for a short while. It will inevitably result in a lot of pain and hurt. I wish I could take it all back. I just always thought I knew what I wanted. But it isn't meant to be.

Someday my journey might align with someone else's. I am just not convinced that will be anytime soon. And I'm sorry for wanting to hold onto you so tightly so as not to lose you that I have actually pushed you away. And I feel ashamed that all of these feelings could have been brought on just by the simple idea of not wanting to lose you and this being the only way I knew how not to.

And I'm so sorry I'm not like the rest when it comes to what you're looking for. I just thought you might chase after me and fight for me even when I pushed you away, just like you did with her. But I was dead wrong. Because you still haven't seen it. And at this point you probably never will.

Relentless

2008-12-03T00:11:00.002-06:00

I am looking forward to brokenness soon. That quiet calm where I can just break and fall to pieces. I tasted it tonight. The good news is even when I'm broken, it's before the Lord, and that's when I can be healed.

Sometimes it doesn't take death to shake me. Sometimes dreams die. And sometimes they are a slow and painful death. But I can't shake it until I let it go. I have to surrender it. But that means losing control ... something that I have experienced in the physical realm and it's not pleasant. But emotionally losing control and handing things over is hard work. It's daily, not something to be taken lightly either. I do want Your will, God. But it's hard when I think that I feel convinced of the plans you might, just might, have for me. And you're always calling me forth boldly. But I feel very much un-bold. And scared to face up and fess up and stand up and reach up. And I don't know where you are calling me. But I'm jealous of those who know that they know that they know. But I don't know if it's ever me or You anymore.

I thought I was past all of this. But it has met me at the door with sobs and heartache. I don't like this place of brokenness. It reminds me of when we lost Kelly. But worst. Just the jarring sobs that make you never want to cry. But yet they are so calming and peaceful too. I just need a safe place to land.

Soon.

A Little Perspective Needed

2008-08-26T10:04:00.003-05:00

I could really use some help sorting some things out.

I'm not really sure if what I'm doing is all right and true and good.

Most of it involves my commitments, which in reality no one can decide except for me.

I just get plugged in and feel like I can't get out if I wanted to. I'm too loyal sometimes in the sense that I don't always do what's best for me.

I hope I can talk to the right people about this so that I can make a good decision.

Oh and I'm nervous for my mom today. Please pray that this meeting of sorts with a third party will go better than anticipated.

What Hurts the Worst

2008-08-20T11:55:00.004-05:00

It's so strange how something you wrote just a few days ago can have a completely different applicable meaning to completely different circumstances today.

I am thankful to have closure for something ... well, someone ... I had been pretty interested in getting to know better for a while. The experience taught me a lot about what it is that I want and what to do to get it (Jami, it should be NOTHING; not convincing them, not initiating, nothing). But it is always kind of a thrill to find someone you are interested in romantically. Too bad this one didn't get off the ground. I was really hoping that somehow it would progress to a good friendship at least. I think it would have been a really solid, good one. But there's little chance of a friendship, and that kind of sucks, too.

And although they never knew how I was beginning to feel (and despite not getting to know them very well at all anyway to know for sure), I'm resting in the promise that God has something better.

As always.

Part II

2008-08-18T23:07:00.000-05:00

I was driving under the Kansas sky tonight amidst a blanket of royal purple and deep magenta which served as the backdrop for the twinkling stars. It was beautiful. I wasn't sure how it was possible that it was nine o'clock at night because the sunset colors should have already faded from the night's sky and been replaced with a black sheet, but somehow they still remained.

The funny thing is, I couldn't not smile. It was beautiful. And I couldn't help it.

I feel like my hope is slowly being restored. Not because of any specific events or circumstances unfolding, but just because of the peace I somehow have outside of my own doing.

I think I trust God more than I give myself credit for. But how boastful and prideful am I to think that I would ever know what is best for me, let alone someone else as far as God's perfect timing regarding marriage for either of us? Who am I to say I'm ready anyway? And how can I be so demanding sometimes?

God hasn't forgotten us. He gives us above and beyond what we could think or ask for. And that includes his perfect timing.

What Hurts the Most

2008-08-18T22:08:00.002-05:00

I feel as though any guy who has ever loved me in the littlest I pushed away or let slip through my fingers. In the best way possible of course. Either I wasn't ready, wasn't attracted to them like that or it's just what was best, I must be confident of that. It's pure coincedence that someone who pursued me for a while informed me of his new serious relationship today. The feelings I'm about to share aren't based on that. They have been building like a storm builds.

Somehow I was led to this song by the Rascal Flatts called "Here." I'm hooked. Listening to it is the first thing I want to when I wake up in the morning, the last thing I want to do before I go to sleep and as much as possible inbetween.

I've thought a lot about how I'm thankful for days like this that kind of sting a little. Just because you have to grieve what could have been. And my heart has been breaking lately. For reasons well beyond this one incident today. And I've had my heart broken a lot. Sometimes just because of unmet romantic expectations I have. But I wouldn't change any of it to be honest. It has been what has shaped me and helped me to know what it is that I want. And I have worked so hard on myself just for me, not to mention my future husband. And that has caused a lot of tears and pain as well.

I can take a love song and turn it around to God. But I want just for once that this could be for my heart, for my beloved, for my future. I mean with all of my heart some of the ideas this song portrays (hence the presence of exclaimation points). I guess what I have found hurts the most is wanting what you can't have, at least when you can't have it. And I feel so foolish and prideful for thinking I know what's best not only for me, but for my future husband as well. But I wouldn't change what I've learned, or what I'm feeling today. I trust that the wait will be worth if for both of us.

Here
There's a place I've been looking for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times, even settled down
And I'd hang around just long enough
To find my way back out
I know now the place that I was trying to reach
Was you, right here in front of me

And I wouldn't change a thing!
I'd walk right back through the rain!
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'!
And I'd relive all the years!
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here!

It's amazing what I let my heart go through!
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you!
And it passed me by
God knows how many times!
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find!
I know now, there's a million roads I had to take
To get me in your arms that way!

And I wouldn't change a thing!
I'd walk right back through the rain!
Back to every broken heart!
On the day that it was breaking!
And I'd relive all the years!
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here!

In a love I never thought I'd get to get to - here
And if that's the road
God made me take to be with you

And I wouldn't change a thing!
I'd walk right back through the rain!
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'!
And I'd relive all the years!
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here!

And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for all the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
Oh, baby-Ooo
Oh, got me here

I Need Thee Every Hour

2008-08-17T14:37:00.003-05:00

I have been resting this weekend, which has been so good for me. But slowing down can be so dangerous so much of the time for me, too. Not sure if I have talked about that recently ... Pretty sure I have.

I have a burning desire to write, just not a lot of energy to do it.

I just get frustrated when words cannot articulate or suffice. Half the time I can't wrap my mind around what my heart is feeling anyway.

I am really craving fall though! I want to be able to wear light jackets and find that place in my mind that the cooler weather brings. It's just a different state of mind that I can't explain. But I have been remembering how refreshing and exciting it can be! :)

I'm thankful for those Rascal Flatts who are consoling me today. It was a good night and a good day for them.

2008-07-28T13:43:00.003-05:00

I don't know what's going on with me to be honest. That's why it's so difficult to write faithfully. I felt as though I was trucking along pretty good, but I fear the zip is out of my doo dah, as my fam would say.

I'm terrified for what the fall brings. I'm taking the least amount of classes ever. But I have a commitment that could potentially suck away my joy, or give me multitudes of it. I don't know why I tell myself if I don't do it, no one will. Because that's a lie. But I have been excited about it, otherwise I would have gotten out.

And I am fearful because I was plugged in spiritually on Tuesday and Thursday nights and really looking forward to continuing both this fall, only to find out I have evening class those nights. So that really bummed me out. I'm not sure when else I'll find both community and God time except for Sundays.

Other than that, I believe I have been desperately distracting myself from some things going on with my mom and my sister. But as hope fades, I am jolted back to reality.

This is brief, but good for me to get out. Thanks for reading.

2008-06-02T19:41:00.002-05:00

I feel all alone in this mind of mine, trying to sort through the thoughts in my mind,
making piles of the good memories, trying to sweep out the rest somehow.

But more than anything just feeling alone and afraid.

Terrified really.

Of how I feel.

And So It Goes

2008-04-29T21:54:00.002-05:00

"Eight years ago, singer/songwriter Derek Webb was making a routine coffee run for his Caedmon's Call band mates when he heard Sandra McCracken, a recent Belmont School of Music graduate, playing from the stage of the small Nashville coffee shop. Struck by McCracken's voice and songwriting, Webb picked up a copy of her debut record and played it for the band. When Caedmon's extended an invitation to McCracken to join them on the road, she and Webb discovered they were kindred spirits and soon began planning a future together. A future that now includes two solo careers, eight Derek Webb records, five Sandra McCracken records, and a newborn son."

Who knew?

Certainly not I.

My ears think Ampersand is delicious though. :) Me gusta mucho.

I hope I can believe someday soon that God will write me an even better love story someday.

The Joy of My Salvation

2008-04-27T22:57:00.002-05:00

First, a story.

My mom has been battling cancer off and on for the past nine years. She has mostly cared for herself during that time, like she always has. But since I have been in college, I took on the role of her caregiver and took over paying our bills and doing our grocery shopping. And the Lord has always provided.

My mom is special to me, so I always pick her and want her to celebrate with me, even though I know sometimes she can’t.

Last night was such an occasion. She didn’t feel up to going out. So I turned to my friends.

Within a span of twenty-four hours from Friday night until Saturday night I made countless phone calls. Phone call after phone call after phone call. The old Jami would made about six or seven phone calls and called it quits.

But I fought harder because I know the truth. And with less than an hour to spare, I found someone. God is always on time.

It wasn’t just that I was being recognized at a fancy event as a scholarship recipient. For that, I could go alone.

The joy of my salvation tonight is the truth that I am worth being celebrated.

I have come a long ways in the past five years to be able to stand before you and say those words. With God’s help and the help of those around me, I have been transformed by renewing what I think about myself.

Five years ago, I would have told you I was only worth celebrating if I placed first. – which never happened – or even second, or third, or 34th. Up until a couple of years ago, I would have told you I was only worth celebrating if I got first chair.

The trouble with operating under that mentality, is I was never going to be celebrated – because so much of the time I came in last. Dead last. Cross country race after track meet after audition after audition after audition. It didn’t matter so much if I was next to last either. I still saw myself as someone who did a lot of things, but was never any good at any of them. So that made me even more worthless. To me, I could never live up to anyone’s expectations – even though at the time I was only trying to live up to mine – and I became broken under the weight of my life circumstances.

I carried my survival method of being too involved in everything from high school into college. I believe, just so I wouldn’t have to really slow down and pay much attention to my life filled with tragedy and struggle. But injury to my body and my self esteem force me to give up everything little by little. And I eventually slowed down enough to listen.

I am worth being celebrated because I am loved. I am worth being celebrated because I am alive. I am worth being celebrated because I am holy. I am worth being celebrated because I am free. I am worth being celebrated because I am cared for.

This fall, I won’t be involved in much of anything by responsibility’s hand. I’m not a treasurer or a clarinet player or a cross country runner. I will just be me for once. And it’s scary not putting my identity in anything.

But I am worth being celebrated, despite what I do or don’t do.

Let me say that again.

I am worth celebrating, not because of what I do, and not because of what I don’t do.

What I do and don’t do can be applied to sin or accomplishment alike.

For me, I am worth being celebrated now even though I won’t be graduating until December.

I am worth being celebrated despite what I do and despite what I don’t do because God delights in me.

The LORD my God is with me,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in me,
He will quiet me with his love,
He will rejoice over me with singing

I am worth being celebrated because God delights in me despite of what I do or don’t do.

Are you worth being celebrated?

I. don't. know. how. much. more. I. can. take.

2008-04-24T23:02:00.002-05:00

I get it! Really, I get it! I get it!

I just don't want to believe it.

All hope feels lost for me.

So go away. :P

Holla'

2008-04-18T23:41:00.003-05:00

Why, I suppose I should do a little updating of sorts.

Not sure what to say though.

Today was my momma's birthday. We didn't do much, but I got her a card and a book for this morning and some flowers tonight. We ate pizza and watched Dirty Dancing.

I had a friend of mine take photos of me today. I really hope they turn out well, but I know that they will because she's amazing. I just hope everything went well on my end. It is hard to genuinely smile for two hours ...

School is almost over. But I'm looking forward to the free time to clean and get organized. I'm actually very motivated and focused, I just don't have the time for it quite yet which is difficult. But it's something I really, really want to do. So that's good. I hope that continues once classes end. Sometimes I just don't feel like doing ANYTHING.

Usually I get really sad when school is almost over. So I'm kinda waiting for that. I think I'm excited to graduate but yet not graduate at the same time. I don't think I could handle the finality of it all at once. So I'm glad that it's working out this way. I'm getting very nervous about my job situation because I actually think I'll have some options and have too many things to choose from at once. That's the impression I'm getting from several people. So now I have to figure out what it is that I want. And that's not ever easy for me.

I really should go to bed so that I can get up at a decent hour and be productive. Pretty sure next week is going to be killer. Maybe worse than finals week. Yikes. :(

Please pray for my fam. We've got lots going on, as usual.

Run. Run. Run away.

2008-04-03T21:49:00.000-05:00

Losing people you care about sucks.

http://www.legacy.com/Kansas/DeathNotices.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=106830547

2008-03-22T23:08:00.002-05:00

First let me start off with an apology. I've heard that some may have been surprised, taken aback, maybe even a tad bit offended by something right here on this page. But I won't take it back. You can ask questions, feel free to tell it to me like it is. I would rather hear it. But I am still free. And it's in the past now. But I'm really am sorry if I disappointed you.

Now. On with the show.

Houston. Wow. Have you changed my heart yet again. You have set it on fire. And you have brought me joy. Through knowledge and wisdom. An inner strength in an inner city that hopefully one day will be ablaze with God's glory and compassion for all. You have made many more things known to me. More faces to vagueness. More hearts to love. More names to pray for. But you also revealed more of who I am to me. And you brought my living, breathing community at home closer. For that I am grateful.

God showed up. As always. Because we invite Him to. And because He is faithful to provide, even in provision of life-changing, earth shattering moments that compose what we like to call life. And He rocked our faces off in those moments.

When you seek confirmation from God to keep going and to keep doing what you're doing, you can find it in the words of a homeless person who rambles to themself about bus tickets and radio stations. The overcast clouds might just part and the sunshine beam through as their words break through the doubt that you've cast upon yourself. They might just say to teach those students that "Whenever our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts." And you might know you can take that laminated card in your back pocket to the bank in the Kingdom and cash it in because God has poured out an abundance to you. And you've just reaped the rewards. But years down the road, you might just be sitting in a men's shelter on a tour of the facility and a man might just tell you that you're doing exactly what God has in mind. You've got it right. And he gives you that confirmation by quoting what you've been teaching to college students back home. Yes, again. Just ask Patrick.

Or if you want to be a fruit-bearer and see it come to fruition in your life, go with a group to a ministry site for the first time in the history of the organization, have the apartment manager's heart be so touched by what you did just by playing with kids that no one ever plays with, that she gives the group who comes the next day hand-written thank you cards and $10 gift cards to Wal-Mart for themselves. Ground-breaking. That's sometimes all we have to do to see fruit grow from our scattered seeds. And sometimes we're lucky enough to hear about the ripple effect it has. Other times we just have to blindly trust that we have made a difference in the story being written.

Or a kid named Christian might be asked by a student if since their name is Christian if they are a Christian, and by the end of the conversation after hours of playing on a playground, they have accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Just ask LP.

For me, I have never experienced a level of consistant joy on a mission trip before. I'm usually sick, either physically or emotionally, for the majority of the time. The lies usually breathe down on me and suffocate me until I break into tiny little pieces and lose all of my strength to serve with everything I have. I get consumed by lies and get paralyzed in a lot of ways. But this time was different.

I remained joyful. I was even downright silly at times. And I didn't find myself ever in an extremely low spot like I have almost come to expect.

And I want to remain here.

But I feel as though the stories are fading. The intensity is slowly evaporating. Wichita is consuming me again -- soon to make Houston a distant memory, my life overtaking my thoughts and actions.

That's why I hope the stories live on. And maybe I'll help tell them.

God is good. And His son is risen!

Just a thought

2008-03-08T16:57:00.002-06:00

Sometimes there are just no words ... especially to describe what we're feeling, so we reach for those that better capture the essence of our emotion, however uncomfortable that makes us. At least we've formulated and expressed some point of our inner turmoil.

Or maybe unusual behavior is a good indicator ... of something deeper.

WTF? BRD

2008-02-27T22:20:00.001-06:00

Why, yes. Happy fucking birthday to me! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Wait for it, wait for it. It's gonna sink in soon. I can feel it.

When burdens get heavy, throw them off a mountain and watch them roll off

2008-02-24T20:35:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I wonder if I'm frantically running down the mountain looking for the burdens I've already carried to the top and cast down the mountainside. I've felt the weight of those rocks and watched them roll away. But I'm tired of finding new ones to replace the old ones I've carried for so long and finally gotten rid of. It's time to let go.

I think I'm gonna watch the backpack fly.

Faced with reality

2008-02-23T23:50:00.002-06:00

I'm losing my mom. I'm coming to grips with it. We don't know when. Could be years. But it's coming. And it hurts my heart. And makes me sob to write it out. Because then it becomes true. Just like losing Kelly.

But I've felt like crying most of the evening. So I finally broke through that wall.

And here I am.

I have a dream ...

2008-02-17T22:02:00.002-06:00

The ending scene in Pretty Woman just popped into my head where the random guy walking down the street is talking about how everyone has a dream. "What's your dream?"

Tonight at Cornerstone, the message was about dreams we have for our lives. And the dreams God has for our lives.

So I've been thinking about my dreams again. What is it that I want that I'm too afraid of asking for? What is it that I'm too afraid to go after?

Do I dare speak them outloud? The chance at prophetic dance? The possibility of starting my own magazine? The opportunity to have a solo art show? Or the desire to pursue photography? The chance at an amazing marriage that lasts? Or to work in the body of Christ as a counselor? To translate for a bi-lingual Spanish newspaper into English? To do all the things I'm not confident in?

This really has not a lot to do with all of that, but the other day on Air 1, they said there was a verse in the Old Testament about God turning their ashes into beauty. I tried to look it up and only found Isaiah 61:3.

... to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. (KJV)

So now I'm trying to figure out what that means exactly. I know it's in a context. I know there are probably orientalisms behind it. But I must admit I didn't know what beauty from ashes might look like. But it does kind of seem to me that God can take what we consider completely ruined and turn it into something beautiful.

And I think that can include the dreams we never confess we have.

Profound profoundness

2008-02-15T20:23:00.003-06:00

I saw myself today as I took a peak into the past from a spot in the present. And I was happy. I thought of two simple things that quickened my spirit and renewed a sense of pure excitement. They weren't ever a big part of my life. In fact, they were here and gone. But as I thought back, they were two of the most enjoyable things I ever did.

Cello and soccer.

Couldn't be more unexpected. Kinda made me want to try to get on the soccer team at Friends in the fall and enroll in cello lessons. Just for a few minutes ...

But how often do we fully take part in things that make us truly, completely 100% happy. I mean, completely immerse ourselves in because we enjoy them so much. So many of the things I have done haven't been that enjoyable. I've even been downright miserable. But with those two things, I only experienced joy. That uncontainable giddy joy of doing something you're not real good at, but find overwhelming peace and happiness at just trying and occassionally tasting success. But at the very least always improving and feeling good about yourself and what you're doing. It's that undescribable feeling.

That was so freaky ...

2008-02-11T20:53:00.000-06:00

I can't even begin to write ...

If at first you think you've failed ... try, try again

2008-02-10T22:50:00.000-06:00

I want a chance for once. Just once. A fair chance.

People who don't try frustrate me.

And usually end up hurting my feelings a lot.

I don't really know how else to say it.

Carnival of the Cherry

2008-02-10T00:00:00.000-06:00

Sweet pic by accident. Those are the best. :D

Trying to show my self-crafted hairdo.

And again. (Again, with the nice background).

And again ...

Finished product. It'd probably be better if it was cropped, but that's photos taken in the bathroom for ya anyway.

Friends friends.

Take two.

More Friends friends. :P

Prayer needed

2008-02-07T21:59:00.000-06:00

Blah, blah, blah. I'll get to the point.

I need prayer. There's a lot going on in my life. Mostly little things that are really eating at me.

This week I lost my Mac at work. It died. I came into work one day and it wouldn't kick up. So they took it away and someone e-mailed me a couple of days later to say they didn't think they could fix it. Too bad it has a bunch of my personal files saved on the desktop ... something I was going to burn onto cd in the next week or so anyway. Yes, folks, that includes portfolio material and personal photos. Stuff I've spent a lot of time on.

Oh and yes, they are closing the Dillons closest to my house. The same Dillons my mom always shopped at when I was little. It's kind of traumatizing for me to have all of these stable elements in my life suddenly disappear. That sounds soooo crazy silly, I know. But it's so true. It's the familiar, the things you're used to and comfortable with. Change isn't easy, especially when it comes all at once.

I also had a really rough conversation for my job tonight with a coach. I feel stuck and frustrated. And I don't feel like I'm completing my assignments the way they want me to. I can't stand not doing my best, but especially when it's not what someone wants, it kills me. Then you add to that mix a grumpy coach who doesn't want to cooperate because they don't like those sorts of things, it's beyond words.

I don't know. There's a lot more than that. But I can't talk about it. So please just pray that I'll find myself, that I'll find what's ok for me, that I'll be reassured that I'm doing things right, and that I can just feel proud of myself for what I'm working towards. I don't need other people's reassurance, but I sure operate better that way sometimes. Just a little confirmation to know I'm going in the right direction.

Fin.

Great is Thy faithfulness!!

2008-01-31T13:06:00.000-06:00

Hmmm, an update ... what to say, what to say?

I think I had lost sight of God's faithfulness until recently, or at least wasn't acknowledging it well. But I love it when circumstances come about that remind me of His faithfulness in past provision as well as the present. Like being a hair above empty with no dog food or food-food and getting a check in the mail that you knew was probably coming, but didn't know when. Just in the nick of time. Although He is seldom early, God is never late. He's always right on time! He is so faithful!

God is at work on earth. In my life. Always. Just sometimes a little more obviously in the senses realm. This week has been one of those weeks. I feel like I am always in need, and I am. But He always comes through in the right amount of time.

God is definitely at work in my life. There is no doubt about it. But there is just something different about it. The right timing is bringing about amazing things I think.

There is also a lot of heart-wrenching things I can't express in this media. But I am trying to focus the most on God's wonderfulness. This world is cruel, but He will never leave me. And He is a wonderful Father.

I've been listening to a lot of Jars of Clay last night and today. Betha and I had been listening to "I Need Thee Every Hour" this past weekend non-stop. I tried to find it on their MySpace or an audio clip on the Internet with no prevail. It really bummed me out. Then last night I was listening to my iPod and Jars just happened to be what I left it on weeks and weeks ago. A few songs later, I was getting into bed and trying to wind down to fall asleep and something clicked in my head that it was possible the next song was it. And it was! It was just amazing. I can't explain it. The music on my iPod isn't mine; some of you might know that story, but I was just so blessed to have the song available and still am! :)

I've had the itch to be creative and artistic lately. Maybe it's because I'm reading about art. I even thought about how cool it would be to do self-portraits with my cell phone for a show. That would be sweet. But no way is that happening. But here is a taste of what I came up with today:

God be merciful to me. On thy grace I rest my plea.

Pulling away

2008-01-20T19:31:00.000-06:00

Sometimes my life frustrates me. A lot. But moreso I frustrate myself.

I think my default is once I see the pieces falling in my life, I pull away from everyone and everything. Especially when it comes to my mom's health. I don't necessarily test people to see if they will stick around. But perhaps it's more of a defense mechanism. And something that I have engrained in me: Not to show when you're hurting or let people in on your life when it's a mess ... only when you have everything pulled together, which essentially means never. It's something I am conscience of, and definitely something I have been and continue to work on. I just can't help but not want to overwhelm people with what I am facing in my life I guess. I have never been good at sharing my burdens.

I'm really struggling with finding words to articulate what I'm feeling right now.

I desparately yearn for compassion and consideration, especially from those closest to me. Sometimes I can't lift my head any further out of the water, and my bottom lip rests on the water. Sometimes I just sit there. I can't move. I'm paralyzed by my circumstances. And no one reaches out a hand. Sometimes the difference boils down to screaming or even whispering for help. But sometimes I don't feel like I have enough strength or energy to do either.

I guess sometimes I fail in communicating.

But sometime, just once, I'd rather someone ask themselves, "I wonder why she pulls away," and come find me in the water.

Water surrounding you,
Permits you to move.
Not as though you're drowning,
In a pool of mixing cement.
But your body remains frozen,
Overcome by fear and isolation.

Why?

2008-01-12T22:29:00.000-06:00

Today was an ok day. Ok in the sense that it wasn't real great, but not so bad either. This morning I got my butt up and went to the library to work on my paper. It didn't go so well and I just kept getting this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. It sucked. So I went home, dried my hair (yes, I even went to the library with wet hair) and took a short, short nap. Then I woke up, ate lunch quickly and headed back to the library. It went a little bit better, but the library closed at two, which I knew it would, but it frustrated me a lot because I couldn't get rolling.

Sooo yeah. If you think about it, pray for me. Hard. Tomorrow. At any point in the day. Really. I'd appreciate it so much. Especially for my ideas to come together and fall into place basically.

The rest of my day was spent doing random things like going to the grocery store. But I was very encouraged to see a barrel for used plastic sacks and a rack of those plastic-y cloth bags that you can reuse. Finally. I can't believe they did that. I didn't check to see how much they cost, but I did leave feeling blessed. That's something I had voiced my opinion on not that long ago. Not to the store of course, but it was just a nice coincidence.

Tonight I visited some friends from high school, Mike and Jaime (I hate it that I can never remember if it's Jaime or Jamie; I should know that!) at their house. Finally got to see Mike, Jr. And yep, he's more adorable in person. I also could have eaten their dog Bailey she was so cute. Got to hang out with Jake, who I've gone to school with since middle school. And I saw Adam MacAdoo, who I haven't seen since middle school. Pretty crazy.

We just watched football and then they started playing poker.

It was an enjoyable and entertaining evening. :)

Especially this other couple's son Dane. He is full of questions. Like out-of-control. But obviously very curious and smart.

Sooo that was my day today incase you were wondering. :)

Consider my arm twisted ...

2008-01-10T19:29:00.000-06:00

No more poking or proding necessary. It's posting time.

But what does one go about writing? Especially when too often she is misunderstood? Things get labeled far too easily. We do it mostly to ourselves. Something is good. Something is bad. But too often, not adequate enough.

That's me.

I think this is my least favorite outlet as of late. Just because I feel exposed. I am unable to cover myself up without deleting who I am becoming. Something beautiful. But yet still criticized.

And misunderstood.

I've spent many-a-afternoon cooped up in a library, finding it hard to concentrate, let alone come up with any sort of coherent sequence of ideas of words. Then add the denominator of another language and you've got pure chaos.

I am clueless about what I'm really wanting to say half the time, and I can't keep my thoughts contained to a single space for any given moment to try to wrap my brain around. They run every which direction, sometimes coming back around again. It's all a cat and mouse game. Once I think I have a grip on it, it slips through my fingers.

I wish I didn't feel like I've already failed. Like I'm a disappointment. That I somehow don't measure up to who I used to be because I missed the mark this round. I'm scared mostly of not living up to my own expectations. Who cares if it's not compatible with perfection? It's only writing. Yet it defines my worth.

Oh, why can't it just be a taco?! TAKE-O. Oh, you.

I lack substace in all attempts. I wish I could just unleash my mind on this tiger of a project and run with it. That's frustrating to say the least.

Sometimes I look at images from the past and I see the same scars that are all too familiar and wonder if they are still visible. Or if the freshness of the new bright lights of observation just accent the imperfections.

I enjoy random phone calls when someone says they woke up and thought of you out of the blue, so they thought they should call.

And I like being called stunning. It's new and fresh. And unusually pleasant. And most definitely a first.

Time to chase some lions.

Mission: Boldness here I come

2008-01-02T13:20:00.000-06:00

I feel like writing. Too bad I don't have much to say.

Well, I probably would if I really thought about it.

I don't know how I'm going to handle it when you're gone. I can't ... I can't, and you don't get it. No, really. I don't know how else to say it.

If I'm such an open book, why haven't you really taken the time to read me? I'm scared of what you might find. But I'll just be here ... waiting.

Just be true to your heart ...

2007-12-21T19:10:00.000-06:00

This morning I woke up with a song in my head. It came out of nowhere; I hadn't listened to it in weeks. But it struck me so much, I got on my computer and listened to it while I got ready to go to work.

I know there's something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yeah.
You've built a love, but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of Heaven turns too dark.

Listen to your heart
When he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart
There's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going
And I don't know why,
But listen to your heart
Before you tell him goodbye.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yeah.
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems,
The feeling of belonging to your dreams.

And there are voices
That want to be heard.
So much to mention
But you can't find the words.
The scent of magic,
The beauty that's been
When love was wilder than the wind.

"Listen to Your Heart" by Roxette

Not sure if those are all correct lyrics, but you can listen if you'd like here:

www.myspace.com/roxette

Wanted: Sad songs

2007-12-21T18:17:00.000-06:00

Please don't go. Really. I can't make it.

All those arrows you threw, you threw them away
You kept falling in love, then one day
When you fell, you fell towards me
When you crashed in the clouds, you found me

Oh, please don’t go
I want you so
I can’t let go
For I lose control

Get these left handed lovers out of your way
They look hopeful but you, you should not stay
If you want me to break down and give you the keys
I can do that but I can’t let you leave

Oh, please don’t go
I want you so
I can’t let go
For I lose control

-Barcelona "Please Don't Go"

Now take a deep breath. And another.

Go listen: www.myspace.com/barcelona

I really want to listen to a plethora of sad songs at the moment.

It's funny, the other day when I had coffee with Brianna we talked about this phenomenon. Sometimes when you're sad, you need a good song to bring out the tears, to bring out the pain, to bring out any kind of emotion. You need it to rise to the surface so you can scoop it out of the water and let it dry out on solid ground.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

Please God. Help me.

I could run away ...

2007-12-20T12:35:00.000-06:00

I found those papers, but it really was a miracle. Definitely by wisdom from God. I would have never thought to have looked where my mom decided to check out. Ever.

Currently, I really am a mess.

And I don't know what to do about it.

Except run away.

And then I remember this song.

I could run away,
You would never leave,
You will always stay right by my side ...
Right by my side. Right by my side.

And I need You, I need You every step of the way.
Oh and I need You, I need you every step of the way.

Everything I ever wanted, I have found in You.
Everything I ever wanted, I have found in You.
Everything I ever wanted, I have found in You.
Everything I ever wanted, I have found in You.

I need You every step of the way.

And I need you at every stop along the way.

Love is patient, Love is kind.

I'm afraid I'm dreaming ...

2007-12-10T22:50:00.000-06:00

I'm in my last week of the semester: the all-consuming, dreaded finals week.

I can't believe it.

Tomorrow I'm not going to school. The weather is supposed to get too bad. So my Tuesday finals are post-poned until Friday. And one of those has already been canceled altogether.

But Wednesday is still looming.

I have been turning my room upside down looking for papers that are due Wednesday. I can't get credit for my internship without an evaluation from my supervisor. If I get desparate enough, I may just have to go down there and ask him to fill out another one. But that's hard for me because it has almost been a year. (I just couldn't fit the credits in my schedule until now.) I have a bad feeling when I do find the papers, I'm going to be short my timesheet. I can't remember if I had him fill that out too.

The crappy thing was I took immaculate care of those pieces of paper all year. I even thought I put it in a safe place at the beginning of the semester: in my current class binder. But then I took it out and put it somewhere else "safe." Too bad I can't find that place now.

Why must I ramble on about something so meaningless?

I'm all messed up.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why.
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright.
-The Fray

Happy Black Friday! Bwahahahaha

2007-11-23T19:38:00.000-06:00

After house-sitting for a couple of days, I was having a productive day around my house, you know, just getting things done when my sister called and wanted someone to go with her to Walgreen's. I have never been shopping on Black Friday. And I don't intend to by my own motives. Ever. But I did have a great time saying "Happy Black Friday!" in my most raspy-est, pirate-ish voice as we were walking out of the store, all the way to her van and some of the way back home. I even answered my phone like that a little bit later. I wish more people would have called me today so I could have done it more. It was fun. I even made my sister say it.

I don't know what it is. But something about the name Black Friday sounds scary to me. Kinda reminds me of 'black lung' or something to do with the Bubonic Plague. Hence, my attempt at a scary voice appropriate for the occassion.

I've had the hankering to write some that there poetry. But I must have a block. Plus, I just don't have to time and most importantly the energy to be creative. But I do miss the days when I could write something powerful. Something that would make 'em say 'Wow.'

I gotta get some major things done the next few days! Please pray for motivation.

2007-11-17T08:50:00.000-06:00

I *had* a pretty coaster. It became an unsuspecting victim this morning at 8 a.m. After the noise of it crashing to the ground awoke me, the perpetrator had already fled the scene. So much for a gift that was less than two days old. Grrrrrrrrr. Thanks Gwennypants.

2007-11-12T21:25:00.000-06:00

I drug Matt kicking and screaming to watch "Dan In Real Life" with me tonight at the Warren. Ok, so maybe he went out of his own free will ... But, I know he's a good friend to me and sometimes I think he's too nice to me sometimes.

But I did want to watch a movie and he was kind enough to go with me. And that's all that matters.

I think we both really liked that movie. Sometimes I have to take a step back from movies and ask what they are really about though.

I need to listen to some Jimmy Eat World.

Today classes got canceled because our football team was co-champions in our conference. But instead of going bowling, I took my mom to get her bloodwork done. Which, was my joy and privilege. But I really wanted to do some of the activities, so I went to the silly BBQ lunch and ate free Coldstone ice cream. But that was the extent of the activities, and that made me sad. I always look forward to free movies on Walk Out Day. And they ruined that for me. Hehehe.

So, hence, I went anyway.

I did feel pretty productive today though. I went to Target and bought gifts in advance for two separate occassions for two separate people. And I spend a lot of the late afternoon cooped up in the Mac Lab printing off stuff for my portfolio. Got a little bit more homework knocked out, but I am slowly but surely realizing it wasn't enough.

Ugh. This semester is killing me!!!!

I must sleep. Please pray for my mom. She is having a portacath put in tomorrow morning and we have to be at the hospital at 5:30 a.m.

Deal Or No Deal

2007-11-10T20:13:00.000-06:00

Ok. Here's the deal ...

1. Grab the book closest to you
2. Turn to page 161
3. Type the fifth complete sentence on your blog .

"But she hardly bangs him over the head with a Bible."

I kid you not.

2007-11-08T23:53:00.000-06:00

I wish I could get a handle on my heart.

What more is there to say?

Not again ...

2007-11-02T23:43:00.000-05:00

Oy.

Here I am again. Caught in the middle of what I thought and what I now know. And it kind of stings a little bit.

Somehow it always ends up this way. Either it appears one way but ends up being overwhelmed by brokenness or it's always something that looks sturdy that ends up being kind of flaky.

Either way. I didn't expect it to happen again.

I also had an open door tonight and I couldn't walk through. My throat knotted up and I couldn't lay my burden down. I just didn't know if it was genuine interest or what.

Why must I insist on speaking in code? Because the truth spoken outright cannot suffice. It is an underlying, unarticulatable uncomfortableness that begs for too much vulnerability. And I'm just not down with that tonight. But I have to write something to shed the pain.

More Cancun pix!

2007-10-28T17:31:00.000-05:00

Not sure what I think about this one, but I found it on my host sister's site, so I'm sharing! :P
I like this one a lot even though I'm super red!

2007-10-28T17:19:00.000-05:00

Oh the joys of life.

I know I always need prayer, but I think right now I could really use some.

I don't feel as bad off as I have in the past, but my time with God right now is pretty much next to non-existant. And that sucks for me.

But I am blessed to be doing all that I am. It's just hard not to feel overwhelmed 99.9 percent of the time.

I should get going and do some homework, but I just wanted to drop a line for those of you who read this to pray for me. Take care and God bless!

Highly concerning ...

2007-10-22T22:15:00.000-05:00

Today I was pissed. Really. It takes a lot to piss me off, and I felt like my insides were going to explode. Dunno if you've ever experienced that shaky feeling inside when you're really mad. Not even crying mad. But just really pissed.

Yeah, that was me today.

Just a lot of problems with school. More of the unknown. I can't trust the system.

More someday.

I still feel awful! :'(

2007-10-13T22:21:00.000-05:00

Oh wow. I had a really rough night! But before I get into that, let me rewind.

Today was kinda rocky. I slept in a little. I talked to my dad on the phone, which was wonderful. And then I just started getting focused on this scholarship app and so my mom got frustrated because she was hoping I'd feel ambitious and help her before I left to cover the football game. But I kind of got sidetracked because my hairdryer shocked the crap out of my thumb. So then my mind was on other things and I kind of forgot until she said it was too late. But I still had quite a bit of time before I left.

Well, I was already pretty stoked to go to the football game and take some photos anyway. I love photography a lot. But I felt really tired at the game. It was hot and the sun just kind of zapped my energy.

But I ran around a little after the game: to QuikTrip, back home, to NuWay, etc. Then I just kind of felt restless around the house waiting around for this wedding I was going to. My mom had a really rough afternoon because of a conversation she had with someone. So we talked a lot, but it started getting closer to the time for me to leave, and I realized I had written down the time and the place in my agenda, but I didn't know where the reception was, so I started looking for the invitation again. I finally found it.

And then my heart sank.

I looked at it and looked at it and looked at it.

It couldn't be.

I missed the wedding completely.

I had read the 3 as an 8. It was in a weird font in my defense. But if I had really thought about it more logically, having a dinner reception after an 8 o'clock wedding isn't very realistic. And 8 for a wedding is probably pretty late in general. So just call me stupid. I deserve it.

The really crappy thing was Sara and I have been friends since 2nd grade. I had been so excited about her wedding that I wanted to write it down as soon as I got it. Also because I know myself and I wouldn't have been able to find the invitation at the last minute to see where I was going or something silly. So I wrote it down. But I wrote down the WRONG time. How does that happen?

And I guess I feel really dumb because something all day and even last night was nagging at me to find that invitation and check the time. Why?! Why don't I listen?! Why don't I take those things more seriously?! I really did earnestly look after the game though (which was after the wedding anyway) and didn't find it until I was getting read to leave. But still!

I guess it all worked out ok though because I went to the reception and got to see her and talk to her for a little while. I'm just so mad at myself! I could scream!

You know those friends where you know you absolutely have to go to their wedding? It doesn't matter where you live or what is going on that day, you want to go. That was Sara's wedding for me.

So here's my warning to all of you out there: When you make your wedding invitations, please make sure the stinkin' font is readable. And for all of you wedding attenders, please always check the original source of information (not just your own calendar) at least the day before to make sure you've got it right. Trust me on this one! I know from experience!

But like I said, I went to the reception anyway. And caught them there luckily! :)

Laura Fearey and Andrea Barlow were two of her three bridesmaids. So that was fun! So then I actually knew some people that had stuck around that late! :) We all danced some with Sara. And Laura and I got to talk a lot! Which was sooooo fun for me! :)

So. Are there any takers out there who want to go to a Halloween costume party with me Oct. 27 at 8 p.m. until midnight?? Let me know! :D

2007-10-13T12:10:00.000-05:00

I wish I could write something eloquent right now.

But I got nothin'.

Photos! Yay!

2007-10-07T00:32:00.000-05:00

A girl in the family who is friends with my host sister sent me some photos on IM tonight so I just wanted to share them! :) This little guy is the son of Victor. His name is Nicolas. I got to meet him when I was down there. Elena told me he is getting sooooo big!

This is a bunch of them at their parents' 25th wedding anniversary Aug. 20 this year. From the L in the front row is Marco and his girlfriend LuLu, Elena is in the middle. Then Victor's girlfriend (I don't know her) and then Vic and Nico. Their parents are amazing. I really felt like I was blessed with a second family while I was there.

This one I got awhile back, but that's me on the left, Dana in the middle and Carlos. If I remember right, we had been waiting in the car on campus for our host sisters to do a presentation or something. And then Carlos saw us in the car, so he came by and sat with us for awhile.

That's all for now.

Just some thoughts ...

2007-10-06T23:44:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately. Probably too much. I think it is getting me into some trouble, but at the same time, it has been incredibly refreshing. So it is hard to know for sure.

Today was actually a very good day. But I'm trying to remember what all I did. I slept in, which is always a huge blessing for me these days. Then I met my friend Adam (I always say the one from Cali ... even though he's from Kansas ... just cuz that's where he came from last and I know other Adams) at Chipotle for lunch. We talked a lot about a lot of different things. It was really good for me. We even talked about God some and I'm always stretched by that plus I love hearing about what other people believe and why.

Then I don't really remember what happened after that. I think I just piddled around the house, thought about the homework that has to get done this weekend, chatted on IM with some people, and yeah, just chilled. Then I took a glorious nap for awhile, went to my sister's and they moved a table to our house (so I stayed incase my nephews woke up). Then I met Cherie for coffee at St. Arbucks. We had some sweet conversation and she helped me just by listening to all my junk about the things I'm facing with thinking about taking on this other job and about boys. And goodness ... it was just goodness. Haha. Then we watched a couple of Noomas at her house with Olivia. And then Bethany came by because she saw my car on campus with Kerry. I was SO incredibly blessed to see her face!

The funny thing about tonight was I was supposed to go to Augusta for a wedding and ended up not being able to get a ride --slash-- not feeling like I absolutely needed to go because I wouldn't really get to see anyone anyway. So I didn't and I think it was an amazing decision in the end because I had a really great time with Cherie instead. And then I saw my cousin! How amazing is that? I was just thrilled. So God is good for bringing along some better plans for my evening ... at least for me personally.

So I don't know. I just had this cool thought today. I was thinking about songs and why we like them and choose to memorize what they say. Sometimes we like them just because they have a sweet beat or melody. They're just catchy so we're drawn in. Then there are those songs that you can kind of mumble the words to, but you really don't know what it's saying. And then of course the songs that you know word for word and you could sing even without any music. But how often do we think about what the lyrics are really saying? I'd wager to guess that too often we like the lyrics, but we don't really think much about what they mean. This whole thing reminds me of the time that I evaluated what some of my "favorite" movies were really about when it came down to it. And then I was kind of weirded out that I even liked them in the first place. But really, when it comes to music, we just don't often think about why the song was written (although, I know I do) but also about the message that comes across in the song. For most of us, it's just a catchy tune.

Sometimes though, I think that's how Christianity operates. You have some who are just drawn in because it's a catchy beat. Then you have some people who claim to be Christian, but don't really live it out or know what it's really about. And then you have all of the people who know all of the Sunday school answers to everything and probably have memorize a million verses just like we do with lyrics and yet they don't have any heart knowledge about anything God-related. Do we ever really consider the message of anything that comes out of the Bible? Or is it too often just some pretty words to put in a frame on the back of your toilet?

I don't know. I'm having a hard time articulating much of anything today. So that's just some thoughts ...

A midsummer night's dream

2007-10-05T23:53:00.000-05:00

Sometimes at night, whilst I'm trying to get my sleep on, God speaks to me. Sometimes it's just giving me a sweet thought that I have to drag myself out of bed to write down. Sometimes if I'm listening to music, I start getting visions of choreography for a dance ... and I picture myself dancing in front of a crowd. Last night I thought a lot about a wedding. My wedding. And it was all sparked by a song.

This is silly that I am sharing this through this medium. However, I was listening to Phil Wickham's "Divine Romance" last night and I had this really neat idea. I could imagine a slideshow of my husband through the years running at the front and all of the people sitting forward watching it. Following that, that song would kick up and everyone would be motioned to stand. During the opening line, the doors would be opened slowly. And there I would stand with my mom. A picture of my mom and I would fade in on a screen at the back of the room. Perhaps from when I was a little baby in her arms. Then more photos of her and I would roll through at a little faster pace as we walked forward. But then strewn down the aisle would be the different men in my life that have shaped me as father figures. So she would pass me off to the next person, probably an uncle. So then a photo of that uncle and I would fade in and we would stand there for awhile. (I just think of the picture of my uncle Greg pushing me on a swing in a park, for example). And then it might scroll through some others while we walked farther up. And this idea would keep going. I'd get passed along to other uncles and other influential men in my life, perhaps even Dave and Patrick. Then finally to my dad and back to my mom at the front. As we'd stand there at the last part, the photos would do a once through at a decent tempo and a photo of my mom and I with my husband would fade in as the final photo. Or perhaps a group shot of all of the people I had been passed by with my husband. The idea really made me smile. It just kind of represented the idea of the journey for me and all of the men who have been there for me throughout my life and a sweet way to honor/thank them.

I may end up having only my mom walk me down the aisle. I really wouldn't want anyone else to. Not even my dad because my mom is the one who raised me and shaped me and she was really the one who played the father role in my life as well as being my mom. But I really liked that idea. So we'll see if it evolves into anything.

***********************************************************************************

Tonight I spent time with Bethany and Matt. A bunch of us ate tacos at Ricos Tacos (21st and Broadway) for dinner: Pablo, Ryan, Emily, Kelly, Ashley, Brett and Bethany. Then Matt, Bethany and I ventured to Starbucks for a caffeine fix where we ran into the amazing Cliff Bragg. Then we journeyed to Wally World to buy sheets and towels and electronic things. :) It was so much fun.

I love spending time with both of them though especially. They are two of my favorite people in the whole wide world. I'm not sure how I am going to deal with them being gone for any length of time.

Some highlights from my evening:

"You keep putting your hand in my pocket, but you're not giving the peace sign."

"And in comes the sax."

"Absorbation."

Fin.

It's been one of those kinds of days

2007-10-02T20:02:00.000-05:00

I just spent an hour, most of it alone, cleaning out a back porch enclosement (for a lack of a better word). We had a bunch of stuff at Lindsay's house from the construction of our Homecoming float. It really felt good to break a sweat and I even organized stuff for people to pick up tomorrow and swept off the steps and everything. I tried to be joyful in my work too, but today was just a little hard for various reasons, so I had a lot on my mind. And I was alone.

But I had a great conversation with a friend last night online. Sometimes I just need to hear that I am special. I am cared about. A lot. I cried some. But I smiled a whole heck of a lot.

Have you ever listened to music through only one earphone? It can really change the song dynamics. I've been listening to Derek Webb since I've been home, and I can't hear the piano parts without my left earbud. But here's lyrics from a song I'm listening to for you:

baby don’t give up
cuz we’re the kind of folks who will always live
right around the corner from something big
yeah, yeah, yeah
so baby come on home
you can be the girl on my telephone
and will be your lion made of stone
yeah, yeah, yeah
just come on home
yeah, yeah, yeah

cuz it’s been one of those kinds of days
and i feel so out of place
and i hate everything, everything
i hate everything but you

baby when we’re right
i don’t mind the sun, i don’t mind the rain
or businessmen who think they know everything
yeah, yeah, yeah
everything
yeah, yeah, yeah

cuz it's been one of those kinds of days
and i feel so out of place
and i hate everything, everything
i hate everything but you

cuz no one really understands my baby, if you don’t
so let’s not fight, just turn the lights off, baby
you’re all i want
yeah

cuz it’s been one of those kinds of days
and the whole world is on my case
and i hate everything, everything
i hate everything but you

Well, I gotta get started on my homework. Ugh. Why is it never ending? Can't a girl at least get a break?

Ramblings

2007-10-01T20:38:00.000-05:00

Man, I've been listening to a lot of Norah Jones and Derek Webb lately.

Last night was the 100th Cornerstone and also my cousin's 21st.

I feel like old news though.

Emelia shared her joy last night and all I could think about was how I had done the same thing the summer before: laid my burdens down and felt supported by a community. Now look where I am.

I feel like I'm just part of an old story.

The whole thing about Compassion and those two girls counting the money afterwards and wanting to go somewhere private: yeah, that was me.

But now I don't feel like I'm a part of anything. I'm just a bystander and no longer part of the story.

Anyway. Saw my engaged friends yesterday.

I can't believe my cousin is leaving for Africa so soon!

I'm kind of just getting by by the skin of my teeth with school stuff.

But speaking of teeth, I had to go to the dentist today. Kind of an emergency because my crown came off. I was eating cookies and drinking punch at the SDP initiation reception yesterday and decided to go back for another cookie. I chomped down into it and hit something really hard. It was kind of like if you have ever found rock in a piece of pizza or something. Only bigger. At first thought someone probably got something mixed into the cookie batter. So I fished it out of my mouth and noticed it was part of my crown. Pretty sure I ingested the rest. Scary. But yeah, it was totally in pieces. Probably at least three. It was crazy. They poked fun at me in the dentist office. The dentist asked me if I had been eating crowns lately. It was a unique experience that's for sure.

Somehow everything still gets done, even with something like that to have to squeeze into my schedule.

I met someone recently that I'm looking forward to getting to know better.

That's about all that's floating around in my head for now.

Love, peace and chicken grease.

2007-09-29T22:53:00.000-05:00

Today was a bad day for yearning to be with someone.

People all around me seemed to be couple-y and cuddly.

And, well, a couple of my friends got engaged. And so now I must process the "never-was-but-could-have-been-but-probably-wasn't-right-but-we'll-never-know" until it's done.

That's rough.

But I think I'm handling things quite well.

It is scary to think that there are a bunch of unrelated things to this one particular thing that have to be processed now too though.

I don't know. I think I think too much.

2007-09-27T21:24:00.000-05:00

Jami is tired and therefore cranky, but also wishing more people understood her, including herself.

Jami is not feeling like she is enough.

Jami is feeling overwhelmed. And it just keeps getting piled on.

Jami is wondering why her life has to be so hard all of the time.

And she is wondering why it always ends up this way.

My never ending Christmas list ... to be continued

2007-09-25T21:59:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: Please do not take this as hints for what to get me for Christmas. This is just for my own reference. I have very rarely been able to get my friends presents in the past because my family had enough to scrape by every month, but no more. So therefore I try not to anticipate getting gifts because I am unable to give them. Capeesh?

Books:

An English-Italian dictionary (for class since I didn't get one for this semester)
Garner's Modern American Usage (recommended to me by my editing professor)
Don't Blame God

Music:

No wonder

2007-09-24T14:27:00.000-05:00

I really don't have time to be writing this, but really when do I have time to do anything?

Today I cried because a friend who I haven't been able to talk to in a long time told me some really exciting news. And it made me realize how much I want to spend time with people but my schedule won't permit it. I've been meaning to hang out with her for a long time. I didn't even do anything but facebook her for her stinkin' birthday. And I have always had good intentions since of taking her out for dinner or something. But when will I have the time or the money?

I feel so tired. I keep thinking "If I can just get through this week ... then everything should be ok." But somehow this week has ended up being hell week again. But I actually saw this one coming.

I don't like to admit it, but I'm tired.

And when I really think about it, I'm more tired than I have ever been.

It takes so much effort to muster up a smile once a day, even to my friends sometimes. I used to basically smile non-stop. And then my life spun into chaos, I guess.

I don't like to admit it, but I think I realized today that I have been caring for my family since I was in 7th grade.

No wonder I'm tired.

That doesn't mean I'm tired of them.

But then I think about how long I have been in school too, and how much longer I have to go. And I realize how tired I am.

Sometimes I just want to do nothing. And that just seems next to impossible right now.

Gosh, there is so much I have been thinking about, but I just can't keep going with this. I gotta keep moving.

2007-09-22T21:27:00.000-05:00

Jami is jamming to Derek Webb because she just doesn't care.

Jami is wondering how she is supposed to be able to read more than 20 pages in Spanish over one weekend when she usually only has to read 10.

Jami is wondering why no one has contacted anyone about tomorrow. AND why no one returns her freaking phone call so she can find out what the heck is going on.

Jami is tired from sorting through newspapers and loading them and a plethora of cardboard boxes into her car this afternoon.

Jami is excited about her new 3 ring binder for random things and a couple of small sweet notebooks, one with a butterfly on the cover (half on the front, half on the back) that she purchased at Target today.

Jami is tuckered and not wanting to think about all she has left to do for this weekend ... aka now practically only tomorrow.

Jami is wanting a little bit of cooler weather. Not a lot cooler. But she is pretty sure colder weather is going to slap her in the face on Monday.

Jami has an idea of why she is cranky at the moment.

Jami is composing an e-mail that's difficult to write ... slowly but surely ... hopefully to be sent Monday.

Jami is now listening to Nickel Creek.

Jami is going to the laundry mat tomorrow if she can.

Jami is chopping broccoli ... oh wait, weeds in her backyard ... tomorrow if she can.

Jami is wanting to go to sleep early tonight.

Jami is very hot at the moment temperature-wise.

Jami is looking around her messy room.

Jami is staring at Spanish words on the page.

Jami is wanting to make a "Christmas list" of things she would buy herself if she could when the time comes. Maybe that will be her next post. She keeps thinking of good ideas! *raises eyebrows up and down multiple times*

Jami wants to go to Cancun again this coming summer. But she needs to discuss it with her family and God still. Decisions, decisions.

Jami is tuckered. Goodnight.

I PLAYED again today

2007-09-21T22:01:00.000-05:00

This has been a really stressful week with school, but I've also had a few glorious moments of being invited to play. One day this week I was so excited and felt so child-like that I wanted to find a computer and write a neatly-packaged narrative about my experience. But I didn't have the time nor the means.

But it went a little like this:

I was sitting on the couch on the second floor of Davis (schyeah, the really comfy ones) trying to read something ... I think it might have been reading for a class I had that day, probably for Lit. And Britani comes out of the Admissions office and says, "James, come play in the rain with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" So we did. And it was good. :)

We spun around in circles and got drenched on Rose Window Plaza. The only bad part was coming back into the air conditioning. Brrrrr is right. But it was so glorious. I loved it.

Tonight I went to Cassie's apartment and played Apples to Apples with a lot of people I didn't know. But a few I did. We had some good laughs. I had never played that game before, but I think it definitely gets my approval.

Please pray for me. I have a lot of pressing matters for work this coming week with things we are behind on and things for Homecoming. Plus yet another deadline for the online newspaper.

Someone told me something insightful about me the other day. It was my cousin Bethany to be exact. Talking to someone else about me while I was there. About me being too busy to have time to do things I really want to do. So true. I really want to work on that. I have known that for awhile now.

I don't know. I need to think before I can write.

Now for Africa and the world

2007-09-17T17:33:00.000-05:00

This blogspot deal is making me very happy.

Seems as though my hi5 is to keep in touch with people I met in Cancún and this is for all my peeps traveling to Africa and other parts of the world. I've got Bethany, Brenna and Matt now. In the words of my cousin, I am very pleased. It just makes me smile to think that my pages now have certain themes ... for the lack of a better word. Hehe. I love it!

Ok. It's homework time. Gotta get on it!

See you in two years

2007-09-15T06:39:00.000-05:00

A good friend of mine, Miss Brenna Powers, is leaving for Africa today to serve in the Peace Corps for two years. In an effort to keep better tabs on her, I have created my own blogspot even though I have a gazillion other sites (MySpace, xanga, hi5, etc.).

I will truly miss her.

I hope this can be a great way for me to keep up on my life too. I have kind of failed with xanga. Maybe something new will help me get motivated again.